Solicited Wisdom

Because of the inordinately large distance between my own intelligence and that of everyone else, I receive many emails petitioning advice for readers' individual sad, pathetic lives.

Every so often I will actually answer these questions. If you ask me a question and receive no response, it is probably because your situation is hopeless. If you ask me a question and I answer it here, your situation is probably still hopeless because I doubt you'll understand my response.

Here is the first batch of solicited wisdom.

1. "My girlfriend and I have been living together for two years. I thought things have been going great, but just yesterday she started suggesting that things may not last much longer. How do I figure out what she means? How do I know why she's changed her mind? What should I do?" - Phil, Rondo, AR

You need to quit being selfish and think of the greater good, here. This isn't just about you. And this isn't just about her. This is about the gene pool.

If the weak combine and reproduce, their offspring drag down the rest of humanity, hurting their overall strength and survivability. If you two were to stay together, you'd probably eventually produce a vile, awful child. Let's face it - anyone who solicits relationship advice from a blog does not do a lot towards furthering the human race. I have less flattering things to say about a woman who'd live with him. As a couple, your decision-making capabilities are seriously flawed. Do the human race a favor and break up. And neuter yourself.

2. "My life has been absolutely terrible since Day One. Nobody has ever really listened to me, and even when my life goes completely terrible, I don't even feel like people notice me. I wonder if life is really worth living for me - I don't have a future, and nobody else seems to care. They just keep treating me like crap and insulting me all the time, like I don't matter at all. I've been looking at my dad's pistol and wondering if life is really worth living. What should I do to get out of this mess?" - John, Ivy Hill, PA

You're going about this the wrong way, John. This is not the way to solve your problems. You can't let your emotions and sensitivities dictate such huge decisions. Let's think about this logically and rationally. Death is a now-or-later thing:

The cost of living another, say, 50 years is estimated as at least $900,000.
The cost of a single .9mm bullet is about $.20. (And your dad already paid for it.)

I'd say "you do the math," but your incomprehensible, emotion-driven blathering belies your incompetence. Here's a hint: one number is bigger than the other. A lot bigger.